Thursday, November 13, 2008
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On the 6th of November, a Thursday night, I was returning home from Simpang Bedok. I slept on the bus… slept even past my bus stop. I was coming from Eunos and had I not woken up on time, I would have made the turn that would take me over the expressway and down to Bedok interchange. Thankfully, something in me stirred to tell me to get my lazy bones up and off the bus. I was tired. It had been a month since school had started. As I turned to make my way back home, a nagging voice in my head was telling me to walk home & not take the bus. So I thought, why not… a walk under the night sky, enjoying the breeze, or whatever of it there was. I realized that this walk could be a good time for me to just walk… reflect… and relax.
I was listening to this song called “The Heavens Declare” on my iPod.
Psalm 19:1 – 4 “The heavens declare the glory of God; the skies proclaim the work of His hands. Day after day they pour forth speech; night after night they display knowledge. There Is no speech or language where their voice is not heard. Their voice goes out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world.”
Psalm 19:7 – 9 “
The law of the Lord, is perfect, reviving the soul. The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes.”
The lyrics are made up of the above mentioned verses. And only these verses. No additional words, own touches etc.
(So let me rewind a bit, to give you a bit of background to the conversation that was going on in my head)
And there I was walking… tired, a defeated soul. My mind was reflecting back on the month of October. It’d been a really trying month. School started and that really made the big difference. Working full-time, studying part time, being involved in the ministry… It just seemed unreal. It was madness. After work, I would have to go to class. (Class is usually about 3 nights per week, and sometimes, 4)
I would come home at 11 - 1130pm? Not only do I have to think about work and ministry or whatever else needs to be done, now I have to find time, and I literally mean find, time, to study. Then where’s the time to prepare Bible study or to prepare to meet my guys? Where’s the time to spend time with them? Full-time students… can study, coz that’s what they are – full time students. Part-time student… how to study?? The time to study, is spent going for classes. The time that normal students spend studying, part-timers like me spend working. And IF and when there’s time to study, then something regarding ministry will suddenly loom in the background. On top of that, I’m a 6-year-never-study-student! And now you’re asking me to do A-Level stuff?! And what students learn over 2 years, you’re asking me to learn in 4 months? And Work morning till evening?? And Be Involved In Ministry At the same time??? Then where’s the time for myself???! Where’s the time for my own life??!! Where’s the time for my friends??!
As you read the ‘thought flow’ above, you’d probably see how self-centered it was. My comparisons with full-time students made it seem like I was the only one undergoing difficulties and not them. The focus was on myself.
To sum it up, as October went on, my thoughts started to get more self-centered to a point where I made it seem like I was the sole victim of life’s sufferings and that I was in it on my own. By being more and more self-centered I made it seem as if there was no God in control of my life.
And so my little conversation with me & this voice in my head speaking to me… began.
Me: The heavens declare the glory of God, the song says, but the sky just looks dark, with outlines of the clouds. Not much glory there…
Voice In My Head: Ah, but that’s where the glory is! Look how big it is…how there is no speech or language where the sky does not reach. Everywhere, it exists. So magnanimous, that it speaks forth the glory of God just purely by the fact that it covers the entire world and that it is the work of His hands.
Me: Now, I see. Come to think of it, now that you mention that… I feel so puny. The sky doesn’t seem to get any smaller or nearer, or more reachable no matter how fast or far I walk. It’s like there’s somebody up there looking down on us. We must look like ants!
Voice In My Head: Indeed… when you look at the heavens and see its vastness & splendor, it sure reflects how awesome the Creator of it all is, doesn’t it? What Is man that such a “high-lama” should be mindful of them (man)?
Me: Yes, true… if I were to look at the world from the universe’s point of view…I wouldn’t even be able to see us humans at all.
Voice In My Head: But eventhough the universe is so vast… the Lord still cares for people like you… humans… more than he cares about the universe.
Me: Uh huh… tat’s very true. Indeed it is so good to know that even though I/we are just one/few of many people in this world, the Lord still looks out for each and everyone of His chosen with the same care, detail and precision.
Voice In My Head: So what makes you think that He wasn’t looking out for you throughout the month of October?
Me: Oh… (And at this point of time a lot of Scripture Is rushing to the fore of my head from my memory bank)
Voice In My Head: Cast all your burdens unto Him and He will sustain you. He never lets the righteous fall. Did you ever really believe, even for a moment that He would leave you be, or that He wasn’t watching from up above?
Me: No…but…
Voice In My Head: Then why do you complain and whine as if there is no Sovereign Lord in control of your life?
Me: Oh…
Voice In My Head: Ranald!! Is it that hard to trust in the Lord and stop leaning on your own understanding of what’s happening around you? Instead of whining and complaining… why don’t you acknowledge Him…seek Him. He will direct your path in His own way that you may not be able to see or understand. But He is still there. Why don’t you just simply trust His unfailing love and rejoice in His salvation?
Me: I see…I got so caught up in my own “difficulties” and became so self-centered that I failed to see, despite how many times He has shown me, His love for me would never change. From the day He gave His life for me, He had made my life His own. But due to my self-centeredness, I chose to focus on myself and forgot the biggest picture – that there was something much more greater – something eternal that He had given to me. And not only that, but He would never forsake me.
Voice In My Head: Ah…Now you’re being rational…finally…
Me: I had gotten so caught up that I forgot that the very fact that I’m actually able to stand here, thinking like this is coz Christ died on the cross for me.
Voice In My Head: Indeed. Do you think He Who died for you, would not have the best intention in mind for your life?
Me: I had gotten so caught up that I forgot that my salvation actually makes all this pain seem insignificant… So you’re saying that this tough period… which seems so unreal, is all part of His plan for my good?
Voice In My Head: A DUH!! But keep in mind… He’s doing it to mould you. To change certain weaknesses in your character. To change certain traits in your lifestyle. To push you into a corner where you will have to fight against many temptations, especially to give in, so that you will be able to see how weak you would be on your own if He wasn’t there. All this not for you to look good… but so that you can be a glorifying vessel of His in the way you respond.
Me: Indeed…how self-centered I became! The Lord will not allow my foot to slip. He’s always watching over me. He never slumbers. Shall I only expect good things from the Lord? You know… all this reminds me of my church camp in June. Mr. Gn the speaker talked about walking through moments like these in life. And he said… just keep on walking. Don’t give up. Just keep on walking. Somebody once told me last year when I was going through a really difficult time emotionally… keep your focus on the Lord. Valuable words that I pray I shall never lose the understanding of; the depth and yet simplicity of them.
(Conversation over)
“How long, O LORD? Will you forget me forever? How long will you hide your face from me? How long must I wrestle with my thoughts and every day have sorrow in my heart? How long will my enemy triumph over me? Look on me and answer, O LORD my God. Give light to my eyes, or I will sleep in death; my enemy will say, "I have overcome him," and my foes will rejoice when I fall. But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation. I will sing to the LORD, for he has been good to me.” – Psalm 13
David felt as if the Lord had put him one side and forgotten about him. He wondered how long he would have to struggle with his thoughts which were causing him sorrow day in and day out. He wondered how long his enemy would prevail over him. And he begged God to give light to his eyes so that the enemy may not prevail.
But here’s what caught my eye. Despite his struggle to see where God was in his life, which was obviously an inward struggle more than it was outward… David didn’t doubt the sovereignty of God. He knew the fact. He knew that God’s love was unfailing. And he knew that God’s salvation for Him was something permanent – that’s why he was able to say he could rejoice in it! His attitude amidst his inward struggle was not one of complete helplessness as if he was on his own, but instead, it was one that said “The Lord is perfect. He can never go wrong, His love for me is unfailing, He always has what is best in mind for me and thus I shall trust in Him even if I cannot comprehend why this is happening to me”. And that is what I needed to remind myself of. Though the feelings may struggle, the fact never changes. And that fact is that God never changes. That fact is that He is watching over every step of my life.
Life may be tough. And working, studying, and serving in the ministry at the same time… is really not easy. If you think it’s a breeze or that it is not really that hard as it seems, you’re fooling yourself. But despite its difficulties, despite moments of tiredness where I wonder why this is happening and wish I could have a more easy-going life… I shall trust in the Lord my God knowing that His unfailing love… well… never fails. Just because life is tough, God isn’t watching over me? Bah! How much more ridiculous could I get in my thinking? The fact that there are tough situations in my life shows that there are opportunities for me to learn to trust & obey the Lord! The Lord has been good to me in many ways. He has sustained me, despite my tiredness and busyness he has blessed me with good health and energy to last through the days. He has blessed me with friends who encourage & support me in their very own ways. He has given me life.
And I will sing to the Lord, for He, undoubtedly, has been good to me J
Psalm 19:7 – 9 “The law of the Lord, is perfect, reviving the soul. The statutes of the Lord are trustworthy, making wise the simple. The precepts of the Lord are right, giving joy to the heart. The commands of the Lord are radiant, giving light to the eyes.”
Indeed, bringing your focus back unto the Lord and His teachings… really revives the soul and opens our eyes to see things from His perspective instead of being blinded by our self-centeredness
“Praise the Lord! How good it is to sing praises to our God, how pleasant and fitting to praise Him.” – Psalm 147:1Labels: October...
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